Kurtis Johnson is a graduate of the University of Kentucky and is a proud member of … whatever. He’s just a 1L. Who cares? I already did my job. If you want to know who he is just read the damn interview or talk to him yourself. Regardless, I found Kurtis rummaging through the dumpsters behind school in between studying for the 1L midterms. Naturally, I felt bad for the guy; and, for a second, I saw my own reflection: a teary-eyed, confused 1L in need of some good food and a hell of a lot of sleep. I invited Kurtis to Chimes, and the following transcript is the result.

Year: 1L
Section: 1
Relationship Status: Single
Hometown: Dayton, Ohio
Undergrad Major: Political Science

Q: Let’s start this off by getting some Blackened Gator. Have you ever had Alligator before?

A: No, but I’ve been wanting to try it. What’s that sauce?

Q: Remoulade; I’m not sure what’s in it, but it’s fire. What sports did you play in high school?

A: I played basketball, football, and ran track.

Q: What position did you play in basketball?

A: In high school, power forward, but now I like to see myself as a Point. I just body people.

Q: What gives you the competitive advantage?

A: Since I’ve come to law school everyone said I have a big butt. I’m sure that’s got something to do with it.

Q: I heard you played football in college too, right?

A: Yeah I played my Freshman year at the University of Kentucky.

Q: You get any PT?

A: (Smiles, hesitates, and shakes head) Nah.

Q. So you just moved here. How’s your place?

A. I live with another 1L, but neither of us brought furniture. We have a blow-up couch, two of those bungee chairs, a card table, and a beer pong table we use as a TV stand.

Q. You basically turned your apartment into a frat house. I can dig it. What else you got?

A. I sleep on an air mattress. But it’s a dope air mattress. Check it out, its got a headboard. (shows me a picture of it)

Q. Dude, this is only a twin size… Is that a “Minion” blanket?

A. Oh yeah; HUGE minion guy. Love minions. Those guys crack me up.

Q: If you had to litigate a video game, what would it be? For example, Donkey Kong committing assault against Mario.

A: Probably like Donkey Kong. Yeah, like a Donkey Kong game.

Q: I literally just gave you that. You do understand you’re not just supposed to say exactly the same back to me, right? This isn’t Baier’s class.

A: Oh, my bad. Mario Kart, but just to exact revenge on everyone.

Q: Are you any good?

A: Not at all. That’s why they’re going to pay for their tortious behavior.

Q: What’s your weirdest habit?

A: I’m obsessed with picking at my skin.

Q: Do you have a skin-box like from Goldmember?

A: No ha-ha-ha.

Q: I’ve got an extra. Do you want one?

A: What?

Q: Nothing. What’s your favorite bar in Baton Rouge?

A: I know it sounds bad, but Fred’s. I love Fred’s, I just have a great time, there. (Seriously, one of these bars needs to give me free stuff)

Q: Have you ever been to Bogie’s?

A: What’s that?

Q: Then you really have no frame of reference?

A: Everyone says we’re going to go there at the end of the night, but we never go.

Q: Typical. What made you want to go to LSU Law?

A. I actually love the book A Time to Kill. My mom introduced it to me and I knew I wanted to be a lawyer.

Q. So are you a huge Momma’s Boy?

A. Yeah. I wouldn’t say huge, but we’re really close.

Q. What made you want to come to LSU, specifically?

A. Actually, I wanted to play Barrister’s Bowl. It seems like it’s going to be a great time.

Q. Well, Gold Team has the first pick this year. Hopefully, you can get on the right team.

A. I’ll see you on the field, either way.

Categories: Columns


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