Baton Rouge Beaming, Buc-ee’s Bequeathed Unto Us

By: Annie Beckstrom

The latest developments in gas station construction often fail to register on the social radar of millennials in Baton Rouge. Rumors of a new Race-Trac don’t exactly get people out of bed in the morning. But what if I told you Baton Rouge would soon be home to a magical place where one can pump gas, eat freshly made brisket, sausage, and pulled pork, choose between dozens of flavors of beef jerky, drink exotic flavored Icees, peruse the offerings of kolache and Dip n’ Dots stations, and use the cleanest restroom known to man? Many would say this sounds like a pipe dream. Anyone who has wandered into a Circle K after the bar and tried to consume a hot dog knows that gas station food is borderline edible at best. However, PMH students have confirmed that Texas based convenience store, Buc-ee’s, truly is the Holy Grail.

When the Buc-ee’s news dropped on March 8th, the PMH population mutated from respectable group of law students to a frenzied mob. Reactions were nothing short of visceral, ranging from quoting the infamous Drake lyric, “What a time to be alive” on social media to shedding actual tears. For Texas transplants, the thought of being able to access the Super Walmart sized Buc-ee’s at any hour of the day proved to be overwhelming. Students alerted their friends and family back in the Lonestar state that the drought had finally come to an end, reveling in the prospect of picking up a bag of Beaver Nuggets and world famous Candied Jalapeno Cream Cheese Dip whenever they damn well pleased. In fact, many individuals were forced to take an unexpected personal day to process the blessing bestowed upon them. Rather than condemn students for their absence, LSU Law professors were surprisingly understanding. After all, who can focus on reciting the criteria for acquisitive prescription or spotting a hearsay objection with Buc-ee’s on the brain?

Amongst the deafening hype, a grim discovery was made. Several LSU Law students had never even heard of Buc-ee’s, going so far as to question, “What’s the big deal?” Texas natives and road trip warriors suppressed a strong desire to immediately ex-communicate these poor souls. Fortunately, the welcoming spirit of PMH prevailed and Buc-ee’s aficionados chose to enlighten said novices on the perks of what is arguably the eighth wonder of the world.

Combining his nickname “Beaver” with the name of his Labrador Retriever to form Buc-ee’s, founder Arch Aplin III unknowingly instigated a gas station phenomenon. Buc-ee’s locations are known for their massive presence, boasting 80- 120 fuel pumping stations. The New Braunfels, TX location was recently deemed the largest convenience store in America topping out at 68,000 square feet. Size aside, the biggest draw of Buc-ee’s continues to be the food. Buc-ee’s homemade beef jerky is the stuff of legend. With flavors like Hill Country Bohemian Garlic and Jalapeño Peppercorn, this road snack blows Jack Links out of the water. Got a hankering for some Texas barbeque? Buc-ee’s has got you covered serving hand carved brisket, pulled pork sandwiches, and a variety of sausage. Travelers with a sweet tooth will rejoice at the sight of a giant wall of gummy candy that rivals Willy Wonka and an assortment of homemade fudge reminiscent of grandma’s recipe.

Taking into account one of the most common reasons to make a pit stop, Buc-ee’s is also known for its pristine restrooms. The bathroom in the New Braunfels location was voted the cleanest restroom in the country, beating out restrooms at the Hollywood Bowl and the swank Chicago Hotel. To commemorate your Buc-ee’s experience, the convenience store chain offers anything that one could possibly imagine embossed with a beaver logo including the best selling t-shirt sporting the familiar Buc-ee’s slogan, “Squirrels are ok but BEAVERS RULE!” Honestly, what more could you want from a roadside one-stop shop?

Buc-ee’s developers endeavor to complete the project in 2017 at a date to be determined. Fervent anticipation of this historic occasion triggered LSU Law faculty members to propose the idea of adding the Buc-ee’s grand opening date to the list of school holidays, seeing as classroom attendance will undoubtedly be non-existent. City officials have already scheduled a fleet of police officers and ambulatory services in preparation for the human stampede that will likely occur on opening day. PMH students appear to have lost their minds over Buc-ee’s but for good reason. In years to come, Baton Rouge residents will recall their life in two phases: the age before Buc-ee’s and the glorious period after Buc-ee’s changed our lives forever.

*This story was featured in the satirical 2016 April Fool’s issue.