Q: Dear Dr. Love, I can’t stop thinking about my Constitutional Law professor Nichael Doenen*. Help!
–Hopelessly in Loving v. Virginia
A: Fear not, Hopelessly in Loving. Consistent with the holding in Clinton v. Jones, I too am offered no immunity to Prof. Doenen’s charms. Is it the excited gleam in his eyes when he discusses Marbury v. Madison? Maybe it’s his ability to make such topics as the Commerce Clause seem wild and thrilling? Either way, the Yale grad and “Scandal” aficionado has captured the hearts of many a PMH student.
My advice? Invest in a graphic t-shirt with the entirety of the Constitution emblazoned across it and cleverly position yourself at the front of the class. Memorize the entirety of the document so that at the drop of a hat you can launch into full Federalist mode and recite large paragraphs that are vaguely applicable to the conversation at hand. Study such topics as the winning contestants on “The Bachelor” and familiarize yourself with the Olivia Pope-President Grant-Jake Ballard love triangle on the off chance that an opportunity arises to discuss. Refer to Supreme Court Justices by their first names in class discussions, i.e. “Wasn’t the Hammer v. Dagenhart opinion classic William?” If all else fails, flex your legal research muscles—see if there’s any existing case law to support the contention that his rejection of your dinner invitations is a deprivation of your life and/or liberty. Let the law be your wingman, and drag him into court so he’s forced to spend time with you only a ta
In the words of the revered Benjamin Franklin, “The Constitution only gives people th
e right to pursue happiness, you have to catch it yourself!” Best of luck in your endeavors, and should all of the above suggestions prove fruitless, you may sleep easy in the knowledge that Professor Nichael Doenen’s first and only love is the Constitution.
*Out of respect for anonymity, names have been changed.
Q: Dr. Love, I’m in a long-distance relationship, and I think the strain of law school is getting to be too much. What should I do to make it easier on my significant other? -1LDR
A: 1LDR, first of all let me say—yikes. Your first year of law school is a terrifying series of dramatic transitions, and this’ll wreak havoc on any relationship, especially one that’s predominately experienced via Skype. That being said, it’s totally doable with the right combination of patience and dedication.
I cannot emphasize enough that communication is the most important part of an LDR, and I don’t mean just texting between class and calling them once a week. Schedule Skype time like you would schedule time to do your reading for class, and STICK TO THAT SCHEDULE. Make talking to them as important as any of the other items in your daily agenda.
Secondly, leave law school at law school. They probably care about the finer points of Lucy v. Zehmer like they care about getting a root canal. Sure, tell them about your day and which professors picked on you, but avoid trying to explain why your corny law pun is hilarious because of this one thing that Ruth Bader Ginsburg said this one time on this one case. Exam season will turn you into a moody, oversensitive rage monster. I am firmly of the belief that if a couple can make it through the fall semester of 1L exams, they can make it through anything.
Finally, visit when you can! Pick a weekend where reading is light (Fall Break is October 8-9) and either fly or drive to see your significant other. Turn off the cell phones and go on a long, romantic walk on the beach—or whatever it is your crazy kids do. In a nutshell, make time for each other when you can, and don’t let law school stress get the better of your relationship.
Q: Dr. Love, what’s the best way to hit on a classmate at a GIF?
Nothing is less appealing than a colleague who’s loaded up on one too many drink specials and trying to hit on you. Before you attempt this ungainly mating call, take a minute to understand the simple fact that PMH is relatively small. In all likelihood, you will see this person multiple times a week, even per day. There’s a reason that we’re required to take a course on professionalism—the legal community is close-knit, and any time you’ve made a fool of yourself will most likely haunt you and spoil future prospects. Instead of going after a classmate mid-GIF in full-view of your colleagues and soon-to-be-closest friends, try stopping him/her after class and extend an offer to grab more personal drinks at the Chimes.